Studies in the Psychology of Sex, Volume 2 Sexual Inversion

HISTORY IX.—R. S., aged 31, American of French descent. "Upon the question of heredity I may say that I belong to a reasonably healthy, prolific, and long-lived family. On my father's side, however, there is a tendency toward pulmonary troubles. He himself died of pneumonia, and two of his brothers and a nephew of consumption. Neither of my parents were morbid or eccentric. Excepting for a certain shyness with strangers, my father was a very masculine man. My mother is somewhat nervous, but is not imaginative, nor at all demonstrative in her affections. I think that my own imaginative and artistic temperament must come from my father's side. Perhaps my French ancestry has something to do with it. With the exception of my maternal grandfather, all my progenitors have been of French descent. My mother's father was English.

"I possess a mercurial temperament and a strong sense of the ludicrous. Though my physique is slight, my health has always been excellent. Of late years especially I have been greatly given to introspection and self-scrutiny, but have never had any hallucinations, mental delusions, nor hysterics, and am not at all superstitious. Spiritualistic manifestations, hypnotic dabblings, and the other psychical fads of the day have little or no attraction for me. In fact, I have always been skeptical of them, and they rather bore me.

"At school I was an indolent, dreamy boy, shirking study, but otherwise fairly docile to my teachers. From earliest childhood I have indulged in omnivorous taste for reading, my particular likings being for travels, esthetics, metaphysical and theological subjects, and more recently for poetry and certain forms of mysticism. I never cared much for history or for scientific subjects. From the beginning, too, I showed a strong artistic bent, and possessed an overpowering love for all things beautiful. As a child I was passionately fond of flowers, loved to be in the woods and alone, and wanted to become an artist. My parents opposed the latter wish and I gave way before their opposition.

"In me the homosexual nature is singularly complete, and is undoubtedly congenital. The most intense delight of my childhood (even when a tiny boy in a nurse's charge) was to watch acrobats and riders at the circus. This was not so much for the skillful feats as on account of the beauty of their persons. Even then I cared chiefly for the more lithe and graceful fellows. People told me that circus actors were wicked, and would steal little boys, and so I came to look upon my favorites as half-devil and half-angel. When I was older and could go about alone, I would often hang around the tents of travelling shows in hope of catching a glimpse of the actors. I longed to see them naked, without their tights, and used to lie awake at night thinking of them and longing to be loved and embraced by them. A certain bareback rider, a sort of jockey, used especially to please me on account of his handsome legs, which were clothed in fleshlings up to his waist, leaving his beautiful loins uncovered by a breech-clout. There was nothing consciously sensual about these reveries, because at the time I had no sensual feelings or knowledge. Curiously enough, the women-actors repelled me then (as they do to this day) quite as strongly as I was attracted by the men.

"I used, also, to take great pleasure in watching men and boys in swimming, but my opportunities for seeing them thus were extremely rare. I never dared let my comrades know how I felt about these matters, but the sight of a well-formed, naked youth or man would fill me (and does now) with mingled feelings of bashfulness, anguish, and delight. I used to tell myself endless stories of a visionary castle inhabited by beautiful boys, one of whom was especially my dear chum.

"It was always the prince, in fairy tales, who held my interest or affection. I was constantly falling in love with handsome boys whom I never knew; nor did I ever try to mix in their company, for I was abashed before them, and had no liking nor aptitude for boyish games. Sometimes I played with girls because they were more quiet and gentler, but I cared for them little or not at all.

"As is usually the case, my parents neglected to impart to me any sexual knowledge, and such as I possessed was gathered furtively from tainted sources, bad boys' talk at school and elsewhere. My elders let me know, in a vague way, that talk of the kind was wicked, and natural timidity and a wish to be 'good' kept me from learning much about sexual matters. As I never went to boarding-school, I was spared, perhaps, many of the degrading initiations administered by knowing boys at such institutions.

"As I grew older there came, of course, an undefined physical longing, but it was the beauty of those I admired which mainly appealed to me. At the time of puberty I spontaneously acquired the habit of masturbation. Once while bathing I found that a pleasant feeling came with touching the sexual organs. It was not long before I was confirmed in the habit. At first I practised it but seldom, but afterward much more frequently (say, once a week), though at times months have elapsed without any indulgences on my part. I have only had erotic dreams three or four times in my life. The masturbation habit I regard as morally reprehensible and have made many resolutions to break it, but without avail. It affords me only the most momentary satisfaction, and is always followed by remorseful scruples.

"I have never in my life had any sexual feeling for a woman, nor any sexual connection with any woman whatsoever. The very thought of such a thing is excessively repugnant and disgusting to me. This is true, apart from any moral considerations, and I do not think I could bring myself to it. I am not attracted by young women in any way. Even their physical beauty has little or no charm for me, and I often wonder how men can be so affected by it. On the other hand, I am not a woman-hater, and have several strong friends of the opposite sex. They are, however, women older than myself, and our friendship is based solely on certain intellectual or esthetic tastes we have in common.

"I have had practically no physical relations with men; at any rate, none specifically sexual. Once, when about 19 or 21, I started to embrace a beautifully formed youth with whom I was sleeping, but timidity and scruples got the better of my feelings, and, as my bedfellow was not amorously inclined toward me, nothing came of it. A few years after this I became strongly attached to a friend whom I had already known for several years. Circumstances threw us very much together during one summer. It was now that I felt for the first time the full shock of love. He returned my affection, but both of us were shy of showing our feelings or speaking of them. Often when walking together after night-fall we would put our arms about each other. Sometimes, too, when sleeping together we would lie in close contact, and my friend once suggested that I put my legs against his. He frequently begged me to spend the night with him; but I began to fear my feelings, and slept with him but seldom. We neither of us had any definite ideas about homosexual relations, and, apart from what I have related above, we had no further contact with each other. A few months after our amorous feelings had developed my friend died. His death caused me great distress, and my naturally religious temperament began to manifest itself quite strongly. At this time, too, I first read some writings of Mr. Addington Symonds, and certain allusions in his work, coupled with my recent experience, soon stirred me to a full consciousness of my inverted nature.

"About eight months after my friend's death I happened to meet in a strange town a youth of about my own age who exerted upon me a strong and instant attraction. He possessed a refined, handsome face, was gracefully built, and, though he was rather undemonstrative, we soon became fast friends.

"We were together only for a few days, when I was obliged to leave for my home, and the parting caused me great unhappiness and depression. A few months after we spent a vacation together. One day during our trip we went swimming, and undressed in the same bathhouse. When I saw my friend naked for the first time he seemed to me so beautiful that I longed to throw my arms about him and cover him with kisses. I kept my feelings hidden, however, hardly daring to look at him for fear of being unable to restrain my desires. Several times afterward, in his room, I saw him stripped, with the same effect upon my emotions. Until I had seen him naked my feelings for him were not of a physical character, but afterward I longed for actual contact, but only by embraces and kisses. Though he was fond of me, he had absolutely no amorous longings for me, and being a simple, pure-minded fellow, would have loathed me for mine and my inverted nature. I was careful never to let him discover it, and I was made very unhappy when he confided that he was in love with a young girl whom he wished to marry. This episode took place several years ago, and though we are still friends my emotional feelings for him have cooled considerably.

"I have always been very shy of showing any affectionate tendencies. Most of my acquaintances (and close friends even) think me curiously cold, and often wonder why I have never fallen in love or married. For obvious reasons I have never been able to tell them.

"Three or four years ago a little book by Coventry Patmore fell into my hands, and from its perusal resulted a strange blending of my religious and erotic notions. The desire to love and be loved is hard to drown, and, when I realized that homosexually it was neither lawful nor possible for me to love in this world, I began to project my longings into the next. By birth I am a Roman Catholic, and in spite of a somewhat skeptical temper, manage to remain one by conviction.

"From the doctrines of the Trinity, Incarnation, and Eucharist, I have drawn conclusions which would fill the minds of the average pietist with holy horror; nevertheless I believe that (granting the premises) these conclusions are both logically and theologically defensible. The Divinity of my fancied paradise resembles in no way the vapid conceptions of Fra Angelico, or the Quartier St. Sulpice. His physical aspect, at least, would be better represented by some Praxitilean demigod or Flandrin's naked, brooding boy.

"While these imaginings have caused me considerable moral disquietude, they do not seem wholly reprehensible, because I feel that the chief happiness I would derive by their realization would be mainly from the contemplation of the loved one, rather than from closer joys.

"I possess only a slight knowledge of the history and particulars of erotic mysticism, but it is likely that my notions are neither new nor peculiar, and many utterances of the few mystical writers with whose works I am acquainted seem substantially in accord with my own longings and conclusions. In endeavoring to find for them some sanction of valid authority, I have always sought corroboration from members of my own sex; hence am less likely to have fashioned my views after those of hypersensitive or hysterical women.

"You will rightly infer that it is difficult for me to say exactly how I regard (morally) the homosexual tendency. Of this much, however, I am certain, that, even, if it were possible, I would not exchange my inverted nature for a normal one. I suspect that the sexual emotions and even inverted ones have a more subtle significance than is generally attributed to them; but modern moralists either fight shy of transcendental interpretations or see none, and I am ignorant and unable to solve the mystery these feelings seem to imply.

"Patmore speaks boldly enough, in his way, and Lacordaire has hinted at things, but in a very guarded manner. I have neither the ability nor opportunity to study what the mystics of the Middle Ages have to say along these lines, and, besides, the medieval way of looking at things is not congenial to me. The chief characteristic of my tendency is an overpowering admiration for male beauty, and in this I am more akin to the Greeks.

"I have absolutely no words to tell you how powerfully such beauty affects me. Moral and intellectual worth is, I know, of greater value, but physical beauty I see more clearly, and it appears to me the most vivid (if not the most perfect) manifestation of the divine. A little incident may, perhaps, reveal to you my feelings more completely. Not long ago I happened to see an unusually well-formed young fellow enter a house of assignation with a common woman of the streets. The sight filled me with the keenest anguish, and the thought that his beauty would soon be at the disposal of a prostitute made me feel as if I were a powerless and unhappy witness to a sacrilege. It may be that my rage for male loveliness is only another outbreaking of the old Platonic mania, for as time goes on I find that I long less for the actual youth before me, and more and more for some ideal, perfect being whose bodily splendor and loving heart are the realities whose reflections only we see in this cave of shadows. Since the birth and development within me of what, for lack of a better name, I term my homosexualized Patmorean ideal, life has become, in the main, a weary business. I am not despondent, however, because many things still hold for me a certain interest. When that interest dies down, as it is wont from time to time, I endeavor to be patient. God grant that, after the end here, I may be drawn from the shadow, and seemingly vain imaginings into the possession of their never-ending reality hereafter."

HISTORY X.—A. H., aged 62. Belongs to a family which cannot be regarded as healthy, but there is no insanity among near relations. Father a very virile man of high character and good intelligence, but not sound physical health. Mother was high-strung and nervous, but possessed of indomitable courage and very affectionate; she lived very happily with her husband. She became a chronic invalid and died of consumption. A. H. was a seven months' child, the third in the family, who were born very rapidly, so that there is only three years difference in the ages of the first and third children. A. H. believes that one of his brothers, who has never married and prefers men to women, is also inverted, though not to the same degree as himself, and he also suspects that a relation of his mother's may have been an invert. Sister, who resembles the father in character, is married, but is spoken of as a woman's woman rather than a man's woman. The family generally are considered proud and reserved, but of superior mental endowment.

In early life A. H. was delicate and his studies were often interrupted by illness. Though living under happy conditions he was shy and nervous, often depressed. In later life his health has been up to the average, and he has usually been able to conceal his mental doubts and diffidence.

As a child he played with dolls and made girls his companions until an age when he grew conscious that his conduct was unusual and became ashamed, while his father seemed troubled about him. He regards himself as having been a very childish child.

His conscious sexual life began between the ages of 8 and 10. He was playing in the garden when he saw a manservant who had long been with the family, standing at the door of a shed with his penis exposed and erect. The boy had never seen anything of the kind before, but felt great delight in the exhibition and moved shyly toward the man, who retreated into the shed. The boy followed and was allowed to caress and play with the penis until ejaculation took place, the man replying, in reply to the child's innocent inquiries, that it "felt good." This experience was frequently repeated with the same man, and the boy confided in a boy friend, with whom he tried to ascertain by personal experience what the "good feeling" was like, but they were too young to derive any pleasure from the attempt beyond the joy of what was instinctively felt to be "eating forbidden fruit."

From this period his sexual tendencies began to become fixed and self-conscious. He has never at any period of life had a moment's conscious sexual attraction toward a person of the opposite sex. His warmest friendships have, indeed, been with women and much, perhaps most, of the happiness he has enjoyed has been furnished by those friendships. But passion has only been aroused by persons of his own sex, generally by men much younger than himself. He feels shy and uncomfortable in the presence of men of his own age. But even at his present age, a touch of a man or boy may cause the liveliest gratification.

Shortly after the incident in boyhood, already narrated, A. H. induced a little boy companion to go to a quiet spot, where, at A. H.'s suggestion, each placed the other's penis in his mouth by turns. A. H. had never heard of such a proceeding. It was a natural instinct. He began to masturbate at an early age. But he soon found a companion to share his passion. An older man, especially, married and with a family, became his accomplice on every possible opportunity, and they would manipulate each other. At the age of 21, fellatio began to be practised with this man. It became a lifelong practice, and the preferred method of sexual gratification. He likes best to have it performed on himself, but he has never asked anyone to do for him what he would not himself do for the other if desired. There has never been pedicatio. The penis, it may be added, is of good size, and the testicles rather large.

No one has ever suspected A. H.'s sexual perversion, not even his physician, with whom he has long had a close friendship, until at a time of great mental distress A. H. voluntarily revealed his state. He is accustomed to refined society, has always read much, abhorred athletic pursuits, and loved poetry, children, and flowers. His love of nature amounts, indeed, to a passion. Wherever he has been he has made friends among the best people. He confesses to occasional periods of addiction to intoxicants, induced by sociable companionship, and only controlled by force of will.

He considers that inversion is natural in his case and that he has a perfect right to gratify his own natural instincts, though he also admits they may be vices. He has never sought to influence an innocent person toward his own tendencies.

HISTORY XI.—T. D., knows of nothing abnormal in his ancestry. His brother has homosexual tendencies, but is also attracted to women. A sister, who is very religious, states that she has little or no sexual inclinations. They were all of a dreamy disposition when young, to the disgust of their teachers. He sent the following account of himself from the University at the age of 20:—

"When I was a child (before I went to school at 9)," he writes, "I was already of an affectionate disposition, an affection turned readily to either sex. No boy was the cause of my inclinations, which were quite spontaneous. (No doubt, part of the cause may be found in our social system, by which ladies are rather drawing-room creatures to be treated with distant respect.) When I was 10, at a preparatory school, I first began to form attachments with other boys of my own age, in which I always had regard to physical beauty. It is this stage, in which the sexual element is latent, that Shelley speaks of as preceding love in ardent natures.

"At 12 I learned masturbation, apparently by instinct, and, I regret to say, practised it to excess for the next seven years, always secretly and with shame, and often with the accompaniment of prurient imaginings which did not prevent my relations with those I loved being of a very spiritual nature. Masturbation was often practised daily, with bursts of repentance and abstinence, latterly more rarely. But until I was 15 I really knew nothing of sexual matters, and it was not till I was at least 17 that I was conscious of sexual desire, which I repressed with shame.

"Owing to excessive self-abuse, I am unable to emit except manually, but desire is strong. I think naked contact would suffice, and in any case intercrural connection. Pedicatio and fellatio I abhor. I love boys between the ages of 12 and 15; they must be of my own class, refined, and lovable. I only desire the active masculine part. I now regard my inclinations as natural and normal to me. The difficulty is that of leading the other party to regard it as such, besides the young age required and clandestine nature of proceedings necessary. The moral difficulties of circumstances are so strong that I have little hope of ever gratifying my passion fully. I have found myself deceived in the character of the boy twice. The last friendship lasted three years, during which time I only saw him naked two or three times (this caused erection), never touched him pruriently, and only kissed him once.

"I have never found a satisfactory object of my affections, and my happiness, perhaps my health, have been seriously injured. At my public school a master helped me to a truer understanding of these things. The merely animal sodomy which exists in many public schools was unknown. What I learned of sex I learned for myself. I am recommended to turn my aspirations to the abstract universal maid; but so far at least I cannot do it.

"Male Greek statuary and the Phœdrus of Plato have had a great, though only confirmatory, influence on my feelings. My ideal is that of Theocritus XIII, wherein Hercules was bringing Hylas to the perfect measure of a man. My first thought is the good of my friend, but, except for the good subjective influence of passion, I have failed utterly.

"I am very tall, dark, rather strong, fond of games, though I do not excel, owing to short sight. I am English, though I have French blood, which may account for an unreservedly passionate disposition. Though unlike other people, I am not in the least feminine, nor has anyone thought so to my knowledge. I can whistle easily and well. I am so masculine that I cannot even conceive of passive sexual pleasure in women, much less in men. (That is one of the difficulties in boy-love.) My affections are inextricably bound up in the ideals of protection of one weaker than myself. In the earlier days, when sexuality was less conscious, this was a great source of romantic feeling, the glamour of which is rather departing. I cannot understand love of adult males, much less if they are of lower class, and the idea of prostitution is nauseous to me.

"I think I may say that I have the esthetic and moral sense very strongly ingrained. Indeed, they are largely synonymous with me. I have no dramatic aptitude, and, though I flatter myself that my taste is good in music, I have no knowledge of music. If I have a favorite color, it is a dark crimson or blue, of the nature of old stained glass. I derive great pleasure from all literary and pictorial art and architecture; indeed, art of all kinds. I have facility in writing personal lyrical verse; it affords me relief.

"I think my inversion must be congenital, as the desire of contact with those boys I loved began before masturbation and has lasted through private and public resorts and into university life. The other sex does not attract me, but I am very fond of children, girls as well as boys. (If there is sexuality in this, which I trust there is not, it is latent)."

This statement is of interest because it may well lead us to suppose that the writer, who is of balanced mind and sound judgment, possesses a confirmed homosexual outlook on life. While, however, it is the rule for the permanent direction of the sexual impulse to be decided by the age of 20, that age is too early to permit us to speak positively, especially in a youth whose adolescent undifferentiated or homosexual impulses are fostered by university life. This proved to be! the case with T. D., who, though doubtless possessing a psychically anomalous strain, is yet predominantly masculine. On leaving the university his heterosexuality asserted itself normally. About six years after the earlier statement, he wrote that he had fallen in love. "I am on the eve of marrying a girl of nearly my own age. She has sympathy as well as knowledge in my fields of study; it was thus easier for me to explain my past, and I found that she could not understand the moral objections to homosexual practices. My own opinion always was that the moral objections were very considerable, but might in some cases be overcome. In any case I have entirely lost my sexual attraction toward boys; though I am glad to say that the appreciation of their charm and grace remains. My instincts, therefore, have undergone a considerable change, but the change is not entirely in the direction of normality. The instinct for sodomy in the proper sense of the word used to be unintelligible to me; since the object of attraction has become a woman this instinct is mixed with the normal in my desire.